I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
