I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
You Might Also Like
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
