I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother