Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no