I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
What flavor cupcake are these
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no