I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
uh oh
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
yeah not falling for this one
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
they really wanted me dead for this
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.