Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.