I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
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Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.