i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?