@DaHess1

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.

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@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

@dshack8

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

@krautsauce

“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@badbanana

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

@LizHackett

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

@iamspacegirl

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.