“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.
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The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Benedict Cumberbatch is proof that a white guy banged a cat.
“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.