“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
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*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?