“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
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Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
You deplete me
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?