“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
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karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.