Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Bike is short for Bichael.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff