Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

What a website

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

just make the entire table out of coaster

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Happy Halloween 🎃