Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Thursday

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.