Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…