Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that