Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!