I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing