I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”