I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.