Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.