Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

adam and eve had first world problems

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.