“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
.. do you even science?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah