“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
They did not miss in the small print
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I put the mess in domestic.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
This a good idea
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.