“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Straight people are cancelled
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.