I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this