I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.