i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*