i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
So, can we agree on 4 or
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now