I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”