I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me irl
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.