I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.