Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

But I really needed water water water

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.