Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again