I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Animal poetry
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes