I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
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I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.