i want to work in this restaurant
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing