i want to work in this restaurant
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and now we wait
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
turning my gender off to conserve energy
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”