“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
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I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.