Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

That lamp looks PISSED.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.