Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

I’M CRYINGGG

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year