I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
oh shit
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
wishing you and yours all the best
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?