I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
You Might Also Like
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
This made me chuckle.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming