I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.