I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*