My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
You Might Also Like
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
[shopping with my wife]
Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?
Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )
Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?
Employee: the fridge?
Wife: my husband.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Saw a couple take a selfie in the parking lot of my apartment complex and I can only assume it’s because they think they’ve found the saddest place on Earth.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers