I want what they have
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.