I want what they have
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
How to find Kentucky on a map
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.