I want what they have
You Might Also Like
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The dark side of Canada
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill