Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”