Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.