i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly