i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck