I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.