“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.