“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
🚲+physics = winner
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.