“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
A family that plays together cheats.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Thursday Thought.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.