“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Waiting for the Charmin
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott