I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
You Might Also Like
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
How dramatic are you?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
same energy
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress