I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER