I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
this year felt like being awake during surgery
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.