I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Rather alarming headline…
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?