I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
2022 will be better than 2021
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I like long walks away from everyone
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
2022: I can fix it
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?