Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Would you wear it?

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.