Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

ㅤ

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Tuesday

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

me in a relationship:

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Cake safety first. Always.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov