I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
So creative 😂
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
why no one uses midhusbands
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”