I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.