Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.