I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
is losing your mind a hobby?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.