Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

✌🏽

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.