Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?