Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.