i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
i really liked this one
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol