i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
This a good idea
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..